From Christian to Atheist… Letter to my Brother
I just sent the following email to my Brother…
Hey, Bro.
I hope you had fun in Japan. From what I can tell, it looks like you did. I’m really glad you accepted our invitation. We hardly ever spend time together and it was nice to have you around for the whole trip. I owe you, Bro, I’ll have to pay you a visit to Arizona some day. Hopefully years won’t have to pass before that happens.
Now we’re back in America from our respective Asian flights and I never got around to talking to you about something that has been on my mind a lot recently. The closest I came to mentioning it was that night I asked you if we could talk about something and have it “stay in Tokyo”. I got as far as asking you if you were going to church and then the conversation shifted to something else. In a way I’m glad it happened that way, because it means that all that time we spent together was time well spent. Great quality Brother time.
Something has happened, Bro, something that I would have not believed possible just a few years ago. It started a little over two years ago. I picked up the habit of reading a lot once again, even more than before. I’ve read christian literature about prophecy, demon possession, biblical history, martyrdom, the whole bible a few times, pastor anecdotes, lutheran reformation, evangelism strategies… plus various secular stuff like astronomy, biology, palaeontology… weird stuff like neuro-linguistic programming, homeopathy, alien abductions, multilevel marketing and Nephilim… as well as fiction such as the Babylon Rising series, the Northern Lights series and the Circle’s End series, among others.
I started noticing that things that I had previously considered to be particular to christianity, actually have parallels in secular contexts. What if the healings I had witnessed and experienced were placebo effects? What if “miraculous” recoveries have more to do with cherry picking positive results from all prayer requests than with divine intervention? What if the peace felt in prayer is just rapport? What if singing praise and worship is just programming ideas into us? What if feelings of a spiritual presence are simply emotional responses to powerful suggestion?
Then there were the YouTube videos and the social web in general. No longer is one limited to listening to someone “preach”, keeping criticism to one’s self. After watching a video you can read people’s reaction to it right away and post your own. When going to church, rarely do you get that type of interaction. People just gobble up whatever is said and, even if they have doubts, they slowly start to assimilate everything said. Gradual conditioning.
I’ve lived christianity for 28 years, Bro, and can testify about it’s positive effect in many lives. My Dad no longer drinks, my Mom feels accomplished in her theological studies, our Brother finds strength to deal with our Niece’s near fatal accident… I see it helps some people, and it has helped me very much for decades, I won’t deny it.
In case you’re wondering, I’m not “mad at god”. Everyone says that our Niece surviving being run over by the truck was a miracle. It seems odd to me that they say that a miracle was worked through the doctors’ hands. If a miracle were at work, why would surgery even be necessary? We have modern medicine, science and skilled physicians to thank. Yes, they say she reacted better than expected, but was her skull magically put back together or did the doctors have to do it? I’m extremely happy with the results and that the Family has comfort and continuing hope, I just don’t agree on how it was attained.
My Brother, I assume I don’t have to spell it out to you by now, but I will. I believe god to be imaginary, a sort of “magic feather”, and I have let it go. It’s not my intention to proselytize, not at all. I just want to share this change in me with somebody, someone who will not judge me by my belief (or lack thereof), but will continue to love me for what I am. I am your Brother and he is an atheist (since July 5th 2009). You are now the only person who personally knows me as such.
The thought of telling my devout christian wife about this, and having her take it badly, persuades me from opening up to her right now. I intend to be honest, in fact, I will strive to live a life that a christian would find admirable. Japan has showed me that it is possible. Just a few days ago in Tokyo she said: “Christians should be more like Japanese”. I answered: “Most Japanese are buddhist and don’t believe in any god”.
I tried to talk to my Dad about this before the Japan trip, but I sensed it was not the right time. It would have gone very badly. With you, I felt the time was right, but the place was not. Japan was for fun, family and relaxation.
Regarding my wife, I’ll share a little anecdote that gives me hope. I know it’ll seem weird, but try to focus on this new context. Back before we were married, she stood before me once and asked me a strange question: “What would you do if I was really a guy?”. I took her by her elbows, picked her up over my head, and replied: “I would punch you”. Of course she’s not a guy, but it’s the kind of silly questions that girlfriends sometimes ask, I guess. She answered: “I love you so much that, even though I’m not gay, I would still love you if you were a girl”.
This coming December 25th will be my official coming out day. I have much to do until then. In the meantime, I would appreciate it very much if you didn’t let this get out. Thank you, Bro. I love you.
Your Brother, not in christ, but in heart and blood.
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Maybe I am a bit crass, but I just bulldozed my way through each friend and family member, as I was less worried about their reactions and thoughts and more concerned about the bombardment of questions. I felt like I had to be sharp and on my toes with the “Why the hell do you think like that?” questions. Of course I started from a history of skepticism and hadn’t been in a church in at least two years. I hope your family accepts you and leaves you at peace with your nonbeliefs. I usually have to answer a few questions a week, but I don’t mind as I like to have my theories and ideas thoroughly tested.
Thank you very much for your comment. Would you mind commenting about some of the questions that you have been asked and maybe share your theories?
Wow, you are gonna be dropping some pretty big bomb shells on some folks who may not be prepared to handle the fall-out. I suppose it would be pretty tough to live an authentic, transparent life (the only kind worth living, imho) and yet kinda just keep limping along to church and keep the atheist thing between you, me and the fencepost…
Well, I too have read books on biology, religion of all flavors, mythology, paganism, paleontology, art history and even the phone book and entire volumes of the encyclopaedia from cover to cover when that’s all that was left. I’ve noticed the same Christian particulars and their secular parallels, considered placebo effect, cherry picking and warm fuzzies.
I didn’t come to the same conclusion for whatever reason. Therefore, I’ll pray that those you love are able to weather the news gracefully and, like your brother and Abba Father God, love you anyway.
Peace,
Cindy
That was gentil, thank you. Yes, I’m sure that what’s the next few months will not be easy. I will try to shield my family from pain, to the best of my ability, while maintaining integrity. Tough indeed.
My brother has answered my letter, however I don’t feel at liberty to post his answer since I have not his permission. You can probably tell most of what he said from my reply to him:
Hey, Bro.
I’m relieved to finally have your reaction. I assume you were recovering from jet-lag, as were we.
I appreciate your honesty and concern, Bro. The man from whom you paraphrased was Blaise Pascal, a wise man indeed. It’s known as “Pascal’s Wager”, and suffers from a logical fallacy called “false dichotomy” or “false dilemma”, in which only two possible outcomes are assumed. By the way, Pascal was catholic. You probably already knew that, but what not many people know is that a very similar version of the argument was made in islam about 600 years before Pascal published it. Either you follow Allah and go to heaven, or you’re an infidel and go to hell (including christians). But like I said before, I’m really not out to convince you of anything, Bro.
You say that you choose to believe and I respect that. In my opinion, belief is not a matter of choice. Either you believe or you don’t, and if you do, it’s either based on evidence or on blind faith.
Of course you are free to pray for me, Bro, as I was fairly certain you would. It comforts me because I know you’ll be thinking about us. You’ll be on our minds also, and you can count on me for whatever you may need.
I love you, Bro.
It’s a gentle and honest letter. I really hope your brother reacts with respect and compassion. It will good for you to have someone you already know, knowing and accepting this thing about you. Well done on writing the letter. I’m with T Mackiewicz above > I didn’t really hold back when I became an atheist mostly because I realised that it would be easy to be emotionally manipulated into staying into a dishonest place (“Yeah, I’m ‘struggling’ with God, as opposed to “I really don’t believe.”) by the community I was in. It’s not an easy time. I wish you well.
Thank you, Nessie. I’m happy to report that his reaction was with respect and compassion. He expresses love, and that god is about just that: love, not knowlegde. He will not preach to me, which I appreciate.
I’m glad you and your family and brother had so much fun on a vacation together
And a letter may be the best route to take, depending on the person. I truly hope he receives it with an open mind. and he can re-read it if he needs to digest some more. I think it was a very calm note. Well done 
Is your brother more open to non-believers than the rest of your family? Is there a reason you didn’t come out to them all at once?
Thanks! Yes, we had a great time. I will have to start saving up again for next time. It’s nice to plan ahead and come back debt free.
I’m not sure if I was expecting him to be more open to non-believers than the rest of my family. It really has more to do with the fact that he lives far away. I see him about once every couple of years. To be honest, I was hoping he would sympathize, as I didn’t know for sure if he’s active in church.
The rest of my family is “hard core christian”, as was I. Youth pastors, theologians, etc… but more importantly, they all live relatively close by. They could “gang up on me”, hahaha. I’d rather have them know that I have been an atheist for months, have them see that being one does not make one evil. Like I told my Brother, I will strive to live a life that a christian would find admirable… then, on December 25th, I’ll let them all know that I’ve been an atheist since July 5th.
Wow that was some excellent writing on that letter there. I am glad that things are okay with you and him. I have seen religion tear apart families.
Thank you. I haven’t heard from mt brother for a couple of weeks, but everything seems to be fine. I can only hope the same as I “come out” to the rest of my family & friends next Christmas.
Thanks for sharing your story. I’ll try and make my response as respectful as possible. I know that I cannot convince you that there is a God, but just some questions.
You mentioned that, what if all the healings you witnessed were a placebo effect, and were a result of positive thinking?
Have you ruled out those healings were from a Divine God? How do you know they aren’t?
- ngk79
Don’t forget “cherry picking positive results from all prayer requests”. That’s a big one. It’s quite discouraging when something you believe “special” turns out to be statistically insignificant, such as the efficiency of prayer.
As a Christian, one “learns” that god answers prayer in many ways, but basically with a “no”, “yes” or “yes, but not now”. Let me ask you this: How many amputees would the world have to pray for in order for god to heal just one of them?
I believe it would take only 1 person to pray for God to heal an amputee. By “healed”, do you mean a limb re-growing? Is that the only way an amputee can be healed?
I cannot speak for God, but I believe that rather than having an amputee re-grow, God can use a person in their physical weakness for good. I am not lying when I say that I know of a man who at birth has no arms or legs. Yet, he is a very happy person, shares his faith with thousands of people and grateful to God for his life. I’ve seen this man inspire a gym full of college students.
God does allow bad things to happen because this world is cursed because of sin. The bad things in this world are a reminder of this imperfect world that we live in. Yet, God can work those bad things for good, to those who trust Him.
As for cherry picking, did your parents always say yes to you and give you the things that you wanted right away, when you were little? Just because your parents did give you whatever asked when you asked for it, doesn’t mean that they didn’t answer your request.
Or how about if you asked the President to meet your demands on your terms? That would be foolish as their is a certain order if you’d like to meet the president. You must come to the president on his terms, not your own. I believe that is the same with God.
Anyway, I don’t mean to be preachy, but to make conversation. I have learned that I will never be able to convert anyone on my own. I do hope you have peace with your family who might oppose your new found disbelief in God. Thanks for allowing me to write on your blog.
Sure, if god existed I guess he would decide not to heal an amputee and instead “use their physical weakness for good”, but so could anybody else. It doesn’t take supernatural abilities to do nothing.
Regarding coming to god on his terms, well, you forget that I was a Christian for 28 years. I’ve seen those terms met before, have even met them myself, and they make no difference. A non-existent god can only answer prayers as blind chance does, just as Yahweh “does”.
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wow, I admire your candor. This was an excellent letter: thoughtful, nonconfrontational, etc.
So I take it your coming it is this Christmas? Good luck. I will be looking forward to hearing about how it goes.
Thank you, Laura. This was my first significant step towards coming completely out in “the real world” and it was very important to me to be civil about it. I love my brother very much and, although I don’t see him very often, would hate to mess up the relationship that we have.
Yes, this next December the 25th will be special. There is usually a big family reunion and this time around, although it seems it won’t be as big as other years, it will be held at our home.
I’ve reconsidered a few things since posting this, such as breaking the news to everyone all at once. I suspect my wife would not have appreciated it very much. I flew her to Mexico City to meet me for the weekend during a business trip and, during a moonlit boat ride in Xochimilco, told her I believe not in god. There were many tears, such that I had not seen in her in all of our ten years of marriage, but all is better now.
Well, it’s now 12/30/2009, how the coming out go?
Hello, Anthony. I’m happy to report that the “coming out Atheist” has gone surprisingly well. I fully expected my mother, for example, to cry uncontrollably and maybe even lash out at me. That was not the case. She hugged this, her eldest son, like she would a baby and said that she loved me… then proceeded to remind me that she went back to church years ago, after bitterly leaving it, because I never gave up on her. It seems I’m in for years of mom preaching, which is fine, I can handle it. Other people have met the news with utter shock, including my wife, who cried like I’ve never seen her cry before… but I believe the worst of it is behind me now.
Since coming out as an atheist, will you still attend church with your family? As I mentioned to you before, although I am a very devout Christian, I do not attend any particular church at the moment. I do however attend a small Bible Study and listen to a couple of pastors via internet who I feel are of God. The reason I do not attend a particular church right now isn’t out of rebellion or a liberal position; it is because I felt that I was going to church for the wrong reason. I noticed that I was treating church as a religious ritual. If I went to church, I paid my dues for the week and got the burden off my back. However, I believe that God put it on my heart to seek Him with all my heart and to know Him personally. Since I made the decision to not regularly attend a church, I feel as though my personal devotions have been more intimate and I have a better relationship with God. I believe many church goers get caught up in attending church for the wrong reason and would even venture to say many church goers are not truly “saved.”
I do think God will eventually lead me back to attending a church, where I can go for the right reason and not just fill a seat every week.
The problem I see with atheism is that that it contradicts itself on so many levels. Atheists must steal Biblical concepts such as morality, uniformity and logical thinking. As a Christian, I abide by these principles because I am accountable to God who in His word establishes the above mentioned principles… An atheist has no reason to abide by these principles because according to the theory of evolution, we are just a product of chemical reactions; there is nothing to be accountable to.
Why should an atheist go to church?
Secondly: “atheism” doesn’t steal “Biblical concepts.” Those concepts that you attribute to the Bible are simply concepts native to the human condition – religions and peoples around the world have dealt with morality and logic, even before the Bible was ever written.
Also, take your argument that atheists have nothing to be accountable to, I will leave you with this little parable. There once were two boys. The older boy found a wallet on the street, and brought it back home to spend the money for himself. His parents caught him, punished him, and made him return the money and the wallet to its rightful owner. The younger boy also found a wallet, but instead of having to be punished to give it back, decided to return the wallet to its owner, without any encouragement, negative or positive. Which boy is the better?
It could very easily be said that morality has less to do with religious beliefs and more to do with the human social network.
The author went to church for months as an atheist. I was asking if he was going to continue to do so.
Atheism absolutely steals Biblical concepts of morality, uniformity and logical thinking. Where did these concepts come from?
You mention that, “Those concepts that you attribute to the Bible are simply concepts native to the human condition.” I disagree with your statement, but for the sake of the argument, let’s go with your theory. According to your theory, you are saying that people are naturally honest, moral and logical. This contradicts atheistic/evolutionary theories.
According to evolution, why would people feel a need to be moral? There is no purpose; especially when being moral means keeping laws. A thief who steals to help provide for himself… is that right or wrong? Morally it is right, but according to evolution, there isn’t anything wrong with it.
As for your parable, I already know the concept. Your parable parallels a one that Jesus told from the Bible. Did you get the concept for your parable from Matthew 21: 28-32?
Nice cherry picking of what I wrote. Yes, I said that they were concepts native to the human condition, but I also went on to say, in that same sentence, that, “religions and peoples around the world have dealt with morality and logic, even before the Bible was ever written.” Mankind, even those who have never read the Bible or, perhaps, even heard of it, understand morality or logic.
It would be more right to say that the Bible stole human concepts of morality, uniformity, and logical thinking, since there were humans who thought of these things before they were ever written into the Bible.
There is a very simple reason to explain why people feel a need to be moral – to fit in with society. That’s really all morality is: following a set of rules put in place by society, so that everybody can get along. Something that might be considered “immoral” in one culture could be considered absolutely find in another. So, as you put it: “according to evolution” (which I feel isn’t quite honest, since evolutionary theory is only concerned with the processes behind the change of life on planet Earth, and nothing else), humans would have evolved a sense of morality to get along and operate as a group. People who operate outside of these boundaries face different punishments, according, also, to those group rules – you might pay a fine, or get exiled, or get your hand cut off.
No, I didn’t take the parable from the Matthew, I just made it up off the top of my head, and haven’t even heard of that parable. Looking it up, I don’t really think that it’s analogous to the one I wrote. The point of mine wasn’t to say, who did what they “should” have done, but rather, is there a difference between doing something because you’re told to, and doing it because you decide to do it?
The Bible was written over a long period of time. There was no one specific date in which the Bible was written. Just because something was written in the Bible at one point, doesn’t mean God didn’t command it to man earlier before. The Bible recorded many things that happened before it was written (just like any other historical document). The Bible mentions that God created man with the ability to decipher “right” from “wrong”. We were created in God’s image (Genesis 1:26) and given the ability to choose right from wrong.
Your mention that, ” Something that might be considered “immoral” in one culture could be considered absolutely find in another.” I reject that statement, but if we follow your reasoning, nobody would have the right to say that Hitler was wrong for the Holocaust. The majority of society supported Hitler. In their society, Hitler was right. So is Hitler blameless? There must be an absolute “right” and “wrong”. Otherwise, why would we care about what other people do?
You mention that “evolutionary theory is only concerned with the processes behind the change of life on planet Earth, and nothing else.” If this is true, then why do people feel a need to help out the less fortunate? Why do people feel compassionate for those in need? These actions deplete our own resources and are contradictory to “survival of the fittest.”
As for your parable, children must learn what is right and wrong. From what I see in your parable, the younger boy had already learned what was right, while the older boy is being taught by his parents. The younger boy, knows that it’s right to return the wallet because he’s aware of consequences. God gave us the law and there are consequences if we don’t follow them.
Why must there be an absolute “right” and “wrong”? Especially when historically the concepts of “right” and “wrong” seem to have been based on whether or not an individual was part of the tribe in question. Even the Old Testament has instances of this dual morality, of a distinct difference between what is morally “right” to do to a Jewish Person, and what is “right” to do to a Non-Jewish person.
If the only arguments that are made against atheism are based on the Bible then the discussions run in circles. Christians seem to rarely attempt to effectively use outside sources for their arguments because the argument breaks down too easily when straying from an “unassailable” word of god source.
If an observer were to look at Morality and the ideas of “right” and “wrong” as constructs which enable a social animal such as humans to survive then the observer ceases to need an outside source for these rules. The idea that certain actions lead to a stable community which allow a strong people to grow does not need a supernatural source. Seeing that murdering a member of the Tribe, or murdering a person outside the tribe Without the Tribes permission, is a bad thing and detrimental to the survival of the tribe doesn’t take a unifying creator god or any other type of god. It simply takes the ability to reason about the outcome of a action. Many cultures around the world came to the same conclusions about Murder, theft, and family even before they were exposed to Christian or Jewish beliefs. Some attributed the knowledge to the God/Gods of their choice, and some didn’t even take it that far and just realized it was bad to do things which harmed the tribe.
The argument that the Christian God instilled these concepts in people either at creation or through direct intervention after wards (such as giving the Ten Commandments) can lead to some uncomfortable questions that those who do not believe as the Christian does will not ignore. Such as; Why the difference in the interpretation of the actual way in which the God is worshiped? Is this a natural deviation of human interpretation over time and how do we know for certain that any single interpretation is right then? Each interpretation comes with its own fervent believers, who all believe because this is what they have been taught or what they consider reasonable. Is the existence of a highly published best seller reason enough to follow one worldview over another and if so why would a belief in the Existence of Hogwarts be any less valid, other than the fact we have the ability if not the opportunity to ask the author?
Also the Idea that god gave us the Law and the existence of consequences only works if the individuals involved believe in That God and those specific consequences. The Fact that if Everyone believed in Christianity and followed it to the letter ,that there would be more peace in the world does not make the belief in the supernatural aspects true. The same can be said of any religion. If any social construct that supports the stability of the social animal that is man is adopted 100% by all of Humanity then the world will be a brighter and more peaceful place.
The Tribe, no matter how big or small it is, decides what is right and wrong. This depends heavily on who the group in question considers “in” the tribe. From there it sets the consequences of those actions, which could be as simple as being shunned and treated as an outcast, to being imprisoned and possibly killed. The society/tribe must actively teach its’ children to empathize with other people in their tribe and to understand the rules which allow it to survive, namely to teach them “Right” and “Wrong” to spread the concept of Tribe beyond the individual. The Society/Tribe makes its’ same children aware of the Consequences of its’ actions, not a supernatural being. Children can be raised in situations that they cannot understand what we consider right and wrong….. where their idea of tribe only extends to themselves. At which point they can understand the consequences of their actions but they will consider their actions right regardless of what they are, and the punishment wrong.
I ran across you in YouTube comments, and I just wanted to stop by and say “Hi!”. I was a Christian for 45 years and I am now a Secular Humanist. My de-conversion started when I was reading “Children’s Stories from the Bible” to my then young daughters. I can relate to so much of what you have gone through! My siblings and mother are all strong Christians and I “came out” first on a family website and there was an explosive Christmas in 2003. Things have calmed down, but my mother thinks she’s a failure for having a son that doesn’t know Jesus. Nice.
Hang in there.