From Christian to Atheist… Letter to my Brother

I just sent the following email to my Brother…

Hey, Bro.

I hope you had fun in Japan. From what I can tell, it looks like you did. I’m really glad you accepted our invitation. We hardly ever spend time together and it was nice to have you around for the whole trip. I owe you, Bro, I’ll have to pay you a visit to Arizona some day. Hopefully years won’t have to pass before that happens.

Now we’re back in America from our respective Asian flights and I never got around to talking to you about something that has been on my mind a lot recently. The closest I came to mentioning it was that night I asked you if we could talk about something and have it “stay in Tokyo”. I got as far as asking you if you were going to church and then the conversation shifted to something else. In a way I’m glad it happened that way, because it means that all that time we spent together was time well spent. Great quality Brother time.

Something has happened, Bro, something that I would have not believed possible just a few years ago. It started a little over two years ago. I picked up the habit of reading a lot once again, even more than before. I’ve read christian literature about prophecy, demon possession, biblical history, martyrdom, the whole bible a few times, pastor anecdotes, lutheran reformation, evangelism strategies… plus various secular stuff like astronomy, biology, palaeontology… weird stuff like neuro-linguistic programming, homeopathy, alien abductions, multilevel marketing and Nephilim… as well as fiction such as the Babylon Rising series, the Northern Lights series and the Circle’s End series, among others.

I started noticing that things that I had previously considered to be particular to christianity, actually have parallels in secular contexts. What if the healings I had witnessed and experienced were placebo effects? What if “miraculous” recoveries have more to do with cherry picking positive results from all prayer requests than with divine intervention? What if the peace felt in prayer is just rapport? What if singing praise and worship is just programming ideas into us? What if feelings of a spiritual presence are simply emotional responses to powerful suggestion?

Then there were the YouTube videos and the social web in general. No longer is one limited to listening to someone “preach”, keeping criticism to one’s self. After watching a video you can read people’s reaction to it right away and post your own. When going to church, rarely do you get that type of interaction. People just gobble up whatever is said and, even if they have doubts, they slowly start to assimilate everything said. Gradual conditioning.

I’ve lived christianity for 28 years, Bro, and can testify about it’s positive effect in many lives. My Dad no longer drinks, my Mom feels accomplished in her theological studies, our Brother finds strength to deal with our Niece’s near fatal accident… I see it helps some people, and it has helped me very much for decades, I won’t deny it.

In case you’re wondering, I’m not “mad at god”. Everyone says that our Niece surviving being run over by the truck was a miracle. It seems odd to me that they say that a miracle was worked through the doctors’ hands. If a miracle were at work, why would surgery even be necessary? We have modern medicine, science and skilled physicians to thank. Yes, they say she reacted better than expected, but was her skull magically put back together or did the doctors have to do it? I’m extremely happy with the results and that the Family has comfort and continuing hope, I just don’t agree on how it was attained.

My Brother, I assume I don’t have to spell it out to you by now, but I will. I believe god to be imaginary, a sort of “magic feather”, and I have let it go. It’s not my intention to proselytize, not at all. I just want to share this change in me with somebody, someone who will not judge me by my belief (or lack thereof), but will continue to love me for what I am. I am your Brother and he is an atheist (since July 5th 2009). You are now the only person who personally knows me as such.

The thought of telling my devout christian wife about this, and having her take it badly, persuades me from opening up to her right now. I intend to be honest, in fact, I will strive to live a life that a christian would find admirable. Japan has showed me that it is possible. Just a few days ago in Tokyo she said: “Christians should be more like Japanese”. I answered: “Most Japanese are buddhist and don’t believe in any god”.

I tried to talk to my Dad about this before the Japan trip, but I sensed it was not the right time. It would have gone very badly. With you, I felt the time was right, but the place was not. Japan was for fun, family and relaxation.

Regarding my wife, I’ll share a little anecdote that gives me hope. I know it’ll seem weird, but try to focus on this new context. Back before we were married, she stood before me once and asked me a strange question: “What would you do if I was really a guy?”. I took her by her elbows, picked her up over my head, and replied: “I would punch you”. Of course she’s not a guy, but it’s the kind of silly questions that girlfriends sometimes ask, I guess. She answered: “I love you so much that, even though I’m not gay, I would still love you if you were a girl”.

This coming December 25th will be my official coming out day. I have much to do until then. In the meantime, I would appreciate it very much if you didn’t let this get out. Thank you, Bro. I love you.

Your Brother, not in christ, but in heart and blood.